Yizkor is a few short paragraphs and takes a few minutes. For a great many people it is the reason they come to synagogue at all, and there is nothing second-class about that.
What it is
Yizkor means “may He remember,” which are its opening words. You say it for a parent, and it can be said for a spouse, a child, a sibling, or other relatives; and there is a paragraph for the holy communities who gave their lives for the sanctification of G-d’s name, which the whole congregation says together.
The structure of the prayer is unusual and it is the key to the whole thing. You name the person. You ask that their soul be bound up with the souls of the righteous. And in the middle, you commit to giving tzedakah on their behalf.
That last part is not an add-on. It is the engine.
Why charity is in the middle of a memorial prayer
The premise is this: a soul is not finished.
A person can no longer act in this world — cannot give, cannot help, cannot choose. But you can, and you can do it in their name and on their account. When you give tzedakah because of your mother, something is credited to your mother. The tradition treats this quite literally: the merit is hers, and her soul is elevated by it.
This is why grief in Judaism is pointed at an action, and not only at a place. Grief looks for somewhere to go. Yizkor answers that the place it goes is a good deed with someone’s name attached — that the relationship is not over, only changed in the direction it now runs. They gave you what they gave you. You can still give back.
Pledging during Yizkor and giving afterward is the normal practice, since money isn’t handled on Yom Kippur.
When it’s said
Four times a year: on Yom Kippur, on Shemini Atzeret at the end of Sukkot, on the last day of Pesach, and on the second day of Shavuot.
On Yom Kippur it falls in the late morning, after the Torah reading.
In the first year of mourning, the custom is that Yizkor is not recited. If you are in that first year, speak to Rabbi Sholom before the holiday — there is more than one practice, and he will tell you what applies to you. If your parents are both living, the widespread custom is to step out of the room while it is recited. That practice is about not inviting an evil eye rather than about eligibility, and nobody will look at you either way — you will notice a portion of the room quietly leaving and returning, and now you know why.
The memorial candle
Before Yom Kippur begins, light a memorial candle at home for a parent who has passed. The twenty-four-hour glass candles sold for this are what most people use, and any supermarket here stocks them before the holiday; if you want one that outlasts the fast, ask for a twenty-six-hour candle.
The reason given is one of the more beautiful lines in Proverbs: the soul of man is the lamp of G-d. A flame is the closest physical thing to a soul — it reaches upward, it consumes something material, it gives light without losing anything by being shared.
If Yizkor is what you’re coming for
Say so, and come.
We know that for many people this is the single moment of the year that is not negotiable, and that walking into the middle of a long service to find it is genuinely hard — you don’t know where the room is up to, and you don’t want to arrive at the wrong hour and miss it.
So we run a standalone Yizkor service in the afternoon, separate from the morning one. It is short, it is announced, you can arrive five minutes before it and leave five minutes after, and it exists precisely for people whose relationship with the synagogue is this one prayer. That is a perfectly good relationship with a synagogue.
The times for both are above.
The Yizkor Memorial Book
Each year we print a memorial book listing the names our community is remembering, and the names in it are read and kept in mind at the Yizkor services. You can add a parent, a spouse, a child, or anyone you carry — including if you cannot be here in person, and including from out of state.
If nobody else living remembers a name, it is worth putting it in a book. Add a name here.
If this will be the first time you say Yizkor for someone, tell us before the holiday. We will make sure you’re sitting near someone who can find the page with you, and that nobody leaves you to work it out alone.