Yom Kippur begins before sundown and runs about twenty-five hours. Most of the preparation happens the day before, and some of it is the most important part of the whole holiday.

The day before

Ask people for forgiveness. This is not optional and it is not covered by the prayers. Yom Kippur atones for what is between you and G-d; what is between you and another person has to be settled with that person. One awkward phone call the day before Yom Kippur does more than the entire liturgy will.

Give tzedakah. Customarily more than usual, and before the holiday begins.

Eat two real meals. There is a mitzvah to eat on the day before — the sages treat feasting on the ninth of Tishrei as its own obligation, nearly the equal of fasting on the tenth. The final meal, seudah mafseket, ends before candle lighting. Keep it substantial but not salty, go easy on the coffee if you drink it, and drink water steadily through the afternoon.

Some go to the mikvah, and many families do kaparot. Ask us if you’d like to.

Light a memorial candle for a parent who has passed, before the holiday candles. The twenty-four-hour glass candles sold for this are what most people use; if you want one that outlasts the fast, ask for a twenty-six-hour candle.

Bless the children. Parents place their hands on each child’s head before leaving for Kol Nidrei. If you have never done this, it is one of those customs that turns out to matter more than it looks.

Light candles, with two blessings:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה' אֱלֹקֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ לְהַדְלִיק נֵר שֶׁל יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים

Baruch atah Ado-nai, Elo-heinu melech ha'olam, asher kideshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Yom HaKippurim.

Blessed are You, L-rd our G-d, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to kindle the light of the Day of Atonement.

Followed by shehecheyanu. When Yom Kippur falls on Shabbat, add shel Shabbat before shel Yom HaKippurim.

The five things we set aside

For the full twenty-five hours: no eating or drinking; no washing for pleasure; no lotions, oils or cosmetics; no leather shoes; no marital relations.

A few clarifications, since these are the questions we actually get. Rinsing your fingers on waking, or washing your hands after using the bathroom, is fine — the restriction is on washing for comfort, not on hygiene. Brushing teeth is not done. Canvas sneakers, crocs and cloth slippers are all fine, and you will see plenty of all three at shul; only leather is set aside. And on the fast itself, please read the practical questions about fasting — if you are pregnant, nursing, ill, elderly, or on medication, there are real answers, and they should be settled before the holiday rather than during it.

What to wear

White, if you have it — the day’s own color. Married men wear a kittel, a plain white robe, over their clothes. Otherwise dress as you would for the most serious occasion you attend. And whatever else you wear, wear something you can stand in comfortably for a while.

The shape of the day

  • Kol Nidrei, before sunset — it cannot wait for latecomers, so come on time for this one. It is the emotional door into the whole day, and the evening service follows straight on from it. What it is.
  • Shacharit, in the morning, followed by the Torah reading.
  • Yizkor, late morning — the memorial prayer. We also run a standalone Yizkor service in the afternoon, which is much easier to walk into if it’s the one thing you’re coming for. More on Yizkor.
  • Musaf, including the account of the High Priest’s service in the Temple.
  • Mincha, in the afternoon, with the book of Jonah.
  • Neilah, at the end — the ark open, the room standing, the gates closing. It finishes with one long shofar blast, and then everyone eats.

You are not expected to be there for all of it. People come and go, walk outside, sit in the back. If you can be there for two stretches, make them Kol Nidrei and Neilah.

Bringing children

Bring them. We run a children’s program during the main morning service, and the buffet at the end of the fast is genuinely the best thing they’ll eat all month. Children do not fast — see the fasting guide for what’s appropriate at what age.

If you’ve never been

Then you will be in good company, and nobody will know unless you say so. The prayer books are Hebrew with English facing, pages are called out, and the service is explained as it goes. Sit anywhere. Stand when the room stands. That is the entire etiquette.